The Day

It's a day that I've thought about from the very beginning.  More and more lately than I would like.  It's not a question of IF it will happen, but WHEN it will happen and when it does I want to be ready, but is there a way that you can really be prepared, even if you play it out in your head over and over?  Each day that passes is a day closer to that day or should I say those days because i'm pretty sure it may come up more than once.  Days that i'm not sure I should even be giving much thought to.  The days that my heart breaks a little more for the one person who I care for the most.  The days when Peyton will ask me, "where's my daddy?"  


As a parent you never want your child to be in pain and when they are, you're feeling it just as much as they are, maybe even more, especially when you know there's not much you can do about it.  So how do I keep a brave face in that moment?  How do I tell my daughter so bright-eyed and innocent why most of the other kids have father's dropping and/or picking her friends up from school and she doesn't?


I think about my childhood and I cannot imagine it without my dad and then I think about Peyton and I think about her not having that and I sometimes if not always end up in tears.   I have this fear of this leaving her feeling unloved and rejected.  The one thing a parent never wants a child to feel.  Sure I try to fill that role as best I can and she has plenty of great father figures around her, but I know as she gets older it won't be the same even as hard as I wish it would be.  There's not much of an explanation that will entirely resolve her questions and justify his choice.  Why isn't he here?  I ask that sometimes myself.


The real answer:
“He’s not here because mommy could not put up with his lazy, worthless a**… he’s not here because our lives would be miserable if he was.” I, of course, will not use the real answer because I don't think it right to speak ill of the other parent around your child no matter how involved or disinvolved he/she might be or what circumstances brought you to be a single-parent.


The right answer:
[Fill in the blank with something a 2-year-old can actually understand. . . . . . . . . . . . . thinking. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . still thinking?. . . . . . . . . . . .uhhhh yeeeeeahhhh noooo, impossible]

Everything In-Between:
"He needed time to deal with issues of his own and we lived far away from one another and it doesn't make what he did right, but know that it was his decision and it had absolutely nothing to do with you.  I can't change the fact that he's not involved in your life, but know that I am here and i'm not going anywhere whether you like it or not.  I will always love you completely and unconditionally!"

(SIGH) I don't know.  I try not to dwell on this and just focus on the positive. I have to constantly remind myself not to become overwhelmed with trying to predict what will happen when that day comes, but i'm stumped.  I can deal with a lot of things, but this.  This is HARD.  Please give a mama some tips or some kind of reassurance that I'm somehow on the right track.