Some Are Better Than Others

Today sucked. Everything caught up with me.

Working full-time, being a mom, school, dealing with finances and issues that fall into the OTHER/MISC category– mix all of that with a good dose of self-doubt and you’ve got the ingredients for one grumpy mama. I’m also dead tired.

We've had some beautiful weather lately so I decided to take Peyton to the park and because of my hazy, foggy day of dead tired doom, Peyton got ice cream for dinner.  Yep, you heard right.  Ice cream for dinner.  Oh and the happy couples were out in full force.

I sat there watching them, there were the ones just at the start of their relationships,  then there were the veterans and the happily married couples.  The spark isn't new, but it was there, so wise and sure.  And then a rolling ball and a little body about to run into the open parking lot snaps me out of it.  While balancing a steaming chai tea latte (yes it was one of those days) I grabbed her with my free hand and caught the ball with my foot before it rolled over the curb and not a drop spilt.  Mom reflexes, either emotional or physical, are a force to be reckoned with.

But even those butt-kicking motherly reflexes can’t save me from the occassional bad day.

Today was one of them. I needed someone to care. Someone to try to lift my spirits because I couldn’t lift my own. Pointless thoughts. Annoying thoughts. Then, after the park, after the ice cream and after her bath and as we were getting ready for bed, an amazing thing happened.  It happens on a daily basis, but today was different. Peyton walks over and gives me the biggest hug and kiss and says, "I love you mommy".  She cupped my face in her hands, looked me straight in the eye and said "it's okay mama."

All is right in the world.  Bad day is over now.  Thanking the world for Peyton.  Don’t worry about me, this funk will be lost in my dreams. Cheers to tomorrow and to all you parents, single, married, divorced – because this ain’t easy. May we each find our way, whichever way that may be and no matter how tired or grumpy we may be when we get there.  Some days are better than others...here's for hoping tomorrow is one of the better ones!

The Dating Bridge

It's inevitable.  Whenever I am in a conversation with friends, family members, heck even some of my patients, the question will always come up.  It'll be along the lines of "soooooooo are you dating yet?"  Well, since the last potential prince turned into a frog and after a few other failed pursuers, I've been on a "man diet".  The longer i'm on it the more I realize that it is okay to be single. It’s more than okay, it’s actually quite nice. (if I sound crazy then please find me Mr. Right and i'll break the one diet i've stayed with for more than a month) I used to tell myself, all I really need is a good man, but why do I really want a man? Do I even need one?

Sure, he could give me kisses, back rubs, cuddles and hopefully make me laugh. But what else? Other than the fact that Peyton will need a father, I can’t see any other reason to make room for a man person in my life right now.


I love being a single mom, why?:

• I get to parent the way I want to parent  
• I get to focus 100% of my attention on Peyton 
• I get to buy whatever I want without criticism 
• I can hang out with whoever, whenever 
• I’m completely free and there’s always the chance that some day I will meet my Prince Charming.
• And the best part, I get to do whatever I want with Peyton, WHENEVER (and that's just the beginning)

Being a single mom rocks. Really! We are pretty darn amazing. Every single-mother I’ve ever met has been so strong, like a rock, secure in her own solitude completely aware of the challenges and the rewards.

Love. Marriage. Baby in the baby carriage.  Yes, it should happen in that nice order.  Not baby in the baby carriage. Love and then marriage, but life is never as we expected and it doesn't wait for your pity party to end, so you can either accept it or change it.

We don’t have all the answers, but we go on, because we have to. Am I happy? Most of the time. Do I want to find someone eventually? Yes, but that will be another challenge all on it's own and that bridge will be crossed when I come to it. Right now I’ve got a pretty BIG bridge to cross and dating is just not IT.

The Day

It's a day that I've thought about from the very beginning.  More and more lately than I would like.  It's not a question of IF it will happen, but WHEN it will happen and when it does I want to be ready, but is there a way that you can really be prepared, even if you play it out in your head over and over?  Each day that passes is a day closer to that day or should I say those days because i'm pretty sure it may come up more than once.  Days that i'm not sure I should even be giving much thought to.  The days that my heart breaks a little more for the one person who I care for the most.  The days when Peyton will ask me, "where's my daddy?"  


As a parent you never want your child to be in pain and when they are, you're feeling it just as much as they are, maybe even more, especially when you know there's not much you can do about it.  So how do I keep a brave face in that moment?  How do I tell my daughter so bright-eyed and innocent why most of the other kids have father's dropping and/or picking her friends up from school and she doesn't?


I think about my childhood and I cannot imagine it without my dad and then I think about Peyton and I think about her not having that and I sometimes if not always end up in tears.   I have this fear of this leaving her feeling unloved and rejected.  The one thing a parent never wants a child to feel.  Sure I try to fill that role as best I can and she has plenty of great father figures around her, but I know as she gets older it won't be the same even as hard as I wish it would be.  There's not much of an explanation that will entirely resolve her questions and justify his choice.  Why isn't he here?  I ask that sometimes myself.


The real answer:
“He’s not here because mommy could not put up with his lazy, worthless a**… he’s not here because our lives would be miserable if he was.” I, of course, will not use the real answer because I don't think it right to speak ill of the other parent around your child no matter how involved or disinvolved he/she might be or what circumstances brought you to be a single-parent.


The right answer:
[Fill in the blank with something a 2-year-old can actually understand. . . . . . . . . . . . . thinking. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . still thinking?. . . . . . . . . . . .uhhhh yeeeeeahhhh noooo, impossible]

Everything In-Between:
"He needed time to deal with issues of his own and we lived far away from one another and it doesn't make what he did right, but know that it was his decision and it had absolutely nothing to do with you.  I can't change the fact that he's not involved in your life, but know that I am here and i'm not going anywhere whether you like it or not.  I will always love you completely and unconditionally!"

(SIGH) I don't know.  I try not to dwell on this and just focus on the positive. I have to constantly remind myself not to become overwhelmed with trying to predict what will happen when that day comes, but i'm stumped.  I can deal with a lot of things, but this.  This is HARD.  Please give a mama some tips or some kind of reassurance that I'm somehow on the right track.

House of K-rucial Changes

Everytime I watch Peyton sleep it reminds me of the first time I held her.  How I balled my eyes out in that hospital bed because in that one moment I started thinking of all the bad in the world that could disturb that peace.  My peace.  I started to think of all my hopes and dreams for her.  How I would always protect her from any unnecessary pain.  In that momentous turning point filled with pain and emotion, I was making many resolutions as we parents do when our children are born.  Some were vague, some specific, but all came down to how I would change.  


QUESTION: What kind of person, what kind of mother, would I want to be reflected in my child's eyes? 


ANSWER:  In a very very brief sentence for the sake of time and you not falling asleep, I want her to know that i'm a good mother and not only that, but that i'm honest and honorable and the world is better off for my being in it.  


And it's not just that I want Peyton to admire me -- there's something about motherhood that brings out the desire to actually be admirable.  

As I look at myself now, I admit when it comes to things that really count not much has changed.  This is far from who I want to be.  This is not who I want HER to be and as a parent, I would NEVER want Peyton to do some of the things that i've done.  The thought of losing Peyton in this life terrifies me, but the thought and fear of losing her for eternity cannot be explained.  It's a thought that I've always had, but recently it has been more frequent and more real.


CONCLUSION:  Crucial, but sincere changes need to be made.


Part of being a good parent is knowing when you're wrong and trying to correct it for you, but more for the benefit of your child.  It won't happen over night, but if there's a will there's a way.  I have a powerful day-by-day desire to do right by Peyton, and also to help shape the world into a good place for her to live her life.  She is the best thing that has happened to me so I want to be the best for her.  I mean really look at that face wouldn't you?  

I can't start over from the beginning, but I can begin a new ending with a better story and a more hopeful result.  Even though i've accumulated piles of failed and repeated resolutions I will continue to keep making them.  It suggests that change for the better really is possible and that today could be the first day of an improved me.  Or maybe tomorrow......JK.

Giving it a GO

"A life worth living is a life worth recording."-Anonymous

If your memory is anything like mine it's like a leaking bucket and these moments are those that I want to remember the most, particularly memories of my daughter.  These are also the times that I'm learning the most about life, but mostly about myself.  Although this self realization comes primarily through trial and error I found it teaches me the most profound lessons.  I also gain insight by performing "the balancing act." I'm not saying that I'm the only one juggling multiple things simultaneously or playing various roles, but I hope by sharing my thoughts and experiences it'll be a source of inspiration to my children and grandchildren and to whomever else happens to read and coincidentally be thinking the same thing.  Not only that, but sometimes things are easier written than said, at least for me anyway.  So I decided to start a blog to be just that.  To keep memories fresh, to dictate and organize my thoughts, questions, goals, likes, dislikes, wonderful memories and even the unpleasant ones and just have a place to unload my mental RAM so to speak.  As most of you would agree our minds are on or close to overload a majority of the time.  I write in hopes to improve my long term focus on what's important and improve the long term of ME.

To forewarn you I do not lead a high profile life nor am I the best writer in the world, but I hope you'll enjoy my experiences that come from trying to organize my "HOUSE."


D&C 88:119 "Organize yourselves; prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God"

What do you think the word "house" means as used in this verse, is it referring to the actual physical house or could it also mean that we as individuals are the "house" that needs organizing?