House of K-rucial Changes

Everytime I watch Peyton sleep it reminds me of the first time I held her.  How I balled my eyes out in that hospital bed because in that one moment I started thinking of all the bad in the world that could disturb that peace.  My peace.  I started to think of all my hopes and dreams for her.  How I would always protect her from any unnecessary pain.  In that momentous turning point filled with pain and emotion, I was making many resolutions as we parents do when our children are born.  Some were vague, some specific, but all came down to how I would change.  


QUESTION: What kind of person, what kind of mother, would I want to be reflected in my child's eyes? 


ANSWER:  In a very very brief sentence for the sake of time and you not falling asleep, I want her to know that i'm a good mother and not only that, but that i'm honest and honorable and the world is better off for my being in it.  


And it's not just that I want Peyton to admire me -- there's something about motherhood that brings out the desire to actually be admirable.  

As I look at myself now, I admit when it comes to things that really count not much has changed.  This is far from who I want to be.  This is not who I want HER to be and as a parent, I would NEVER want Peyton to do some of the things that i've done.  The thought of losing Peyton in this life terrifies me, but the thought and fear of losing her for eternity cannot be explained.  It's a thought that I've always had, but recently it has been more frequent and more real.


CONCLUSION:  Crucial, but sincere changes need to be made.


Part of being a good parent is knowing when you're wrong and trying to correct it for you, but more for the benefit of your child.  It won't happen over night, but if there's a will there's a way.  I have a powerful day-by-day desire to do right by Peyton, and also to help shape the world into a good place for her to live her life.  She is the best thing that has happened to me so I want to be the best for her.  I mean really look at that face wouldn't you?  

I can't start over from the beginning, but I can begin a new ending with a better story and a more hopeful result.  Even though i've accumulated piles of failed and repeated resolutions I will continue to keep making them.  It suggests that change for the better really is possible and that today could be the first day of an improved me.  Or maybe tomorrow......JK.